Life, Love, Long Hair, Weeping and Gnashing of Teeth, and other mysteries

All this and more, from a semi-Serbian, slightly sane, former editor for physicians and surgeons, who is the mother of seven kids.

Thursday, 31 May 2012

My Worst Day In Freedom Is Better Than My Best Day In Bondage Ever Was

When people come to my house, they comment on what a beautiful place it is.

I also get a lot of compliments on how lovely my children are, and how organized I seem to be.

But, OMGarsh, woah, holy doodle, let me tell you it is frickin' HARD.

Yeah, I've got seven children.  Pregnancy and childbirth seven times - big enough deal right there already, right?

And yes, I work from home for a living.  I have to.

So so so so much to do.

So much to juggle each day.

One of my sons has some learning disabilities and I home school him.  We do "relaxed" home schooling, so it's not the ultra-structured method enjoyed by some families who educate their children from home (like I did with my older kids till they were 5, 9, and 11), but still, there are challenges involved.

We have a picturesque location, with a view of rolling hills, trees, and a lake in the distance out our big living room windows.  Horses surround us in non-snowy months (none of which are our own, for which I am grateful, having owned and boarded horses in the past and although I love them, they are more work and expense than I've got time and money to do right now.)

My house looks nice on the surface, with its curved wood walls - Gothic Arch style building - but oh the problems this place has.

Like, I cannot think of one door in this house that has nothing wrong with it.

Some of the closet doors have completely fallen off/apart.

The floors creak with every step you take, except for the basement, which has its own set of issues in its poorly insulated state.

The water softener is from 1971 and has given up functionality to the point that our toilets won't flush properly and we have to plunge the one on the top floor after each use.  I found out today from a plumber that we're looking at roughly $800 for a new water softener, plus whatever he charges to install it, and possibly a replaced toilet or three.

I just got completely out of debt last month except for our mortgage.  Now let's just fix those plumbing problems by throwing them on the line of credit.

The lawn tractor is broken.  I wonder how much we'll have to put on the line of credit to get it back from the repair place.  Meanwhile, the grass on our acre of land is causing me to wonder how many old cars are hiding underneath it.

Property taxes are due in a month.  There's no way I'll have cash to pay for it, so that, too, will have to go on the line of credit and be paid off gradually.

Sometimes I want to go sit on the couch with all my kids around me and just cry.

I dearly wish I had a way to spend more time with them and still pay all the bills.

I'm working on writing a book, but with little to no time to squeeze it in, it's slow-going.  It is my hope, like with any writer, that it may sell enough copies to help ease the financial burden I carry.

My husband's work is unpredictable, and he usually works nights.  So, when he does have work, he's sleeping all day, and my shoes look and feel like those of a single mom, doing just about everything by myself.

I don't write this to say, "Feel sorry for me."

I write this to get some of it out of me.

I wish I had something to anticipate.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be overwhelmed forever.

Will the two youngest children ever be out of diapers?

Will my 7-year-old ever learn to read fluently despite his learning disabilities?

Social life?  Ha haha hahaha!  Right.  What's that?

Thank God for Facebook, as messed up of a thing that it can be.

I've been through this before with my first three kids when they were little, waiting for them to be out of diapers and able to read, although in a whole different scenario.  Although I did not have to work for a living, I lived under the rule of a man who expected everything and more from me, and if I didn't foresee his every desire, I paid for it with his wrath.  The details about that will be brought forward in my book, so if you like my writing, keep checking here every so often and you might someday find that such a book will finally be completed.

Although life can be rough at times now, I take comfort in knowing that my most stressful day in freedom from abuse is far better than my best day under bondage ever was.

So, hey, how's your life?  Do you ever feel overwhelmed?
To freedom!

(Video:  "You're Not Coming Home Tonight" by First Aid Kit)

If you like my writing, check out some other entries listed chronologically in the right hand column of this blog.  Here are a few links:


  1. Your post about your life makes me feel encouraged to bear my own burdens a little better. During Uni, I lost my grandparents, and my parents moved across the country, never to return, save a few very brief visits and I haven't felt the same closeness with my family ever since. I married my husband, in the process acquiring a new family even more dysfunctional than my ownn. In 1995, I gave birth to the DS and was committed to the psych unit for a hellish six months, until a DX of bipolar disorder, followed by another hellish two years until the right combination of meds was found to keep me stable. These times were made more difficult by family and friends who discouraged me from taking my meds. A six year period of relative stability came to an end following the death of my FIL and my subsequent nervous breakdown. During my slow climb back to sanity, our son was DX'd with social anxiety, so we began family therapy and brought him back home to school. Since then, I have struggled with numerous health problems, and now our son's GF will be moving in for a year or so while she picks up credits to apply for nursing. All this is just to say, although I don't have your exact xperience, I share your feelings. I think most women do, to one extent or another: we struggle, we strive to take care of everyone, and ourselves to boot, since our needs are often neglected and forgotten by others. We work so hard, and in those brief periods of respite, we wonder how we manage. I believe God created woman last, because in her was the peak and perfection of his creation: at our best we embody the teachings of Christ and God's divine intentions for all. When we honour that part of ourselves, we honour Him.

  2. "...we struggle, we strive to take care of everyone, and ourselves to boot, since our needs are often neglected and forgotten by others. We work so hard, and in those brief periods of respite, we wonder how we manage."

    Well put, sister.

    And how frustrating, wading through the "finding the right meds" process, and having family and friends do the Job's friends thing instead of quiet acceptance and encouragement. :(


  3. Oh, my darling, yes, yes, I SO understand. Thank you for writing my heart out SO succinctly! I feel SO overwhelmed - and even more so with ANY invitation that comes my way to step out of our norm. HORRENDOUS pressure! Everything gets thrown off. At any given time, we have 5-6 baskets of laundry in our room and more to come waiting for the empty baskets! Add to that this health/diet/GFCF stuff and voila! A recipe for the beaten down parents that we are!

    Love you and sending you ((((((((hugs))))))))


    1. Hugs backatcha, WarriorBride. It never ceases to amaze me how similar your life is to mine. Yeah, the laundry. Sigh. :(

      I'd love to find a book or a message board with moms who've been there and come out the other end, or to even hear from one person who can say, "Yeah, I've been through that, but look how good it is now that my kids are a bit older and the mortgage is paid off. Take heart - you will get through this, too!"

    2. Oh yeah, and that part about being thrown off when any invitation out of the norm is thrown in. I mean, if I have to leave the house even once during the week, it throws everything off and makes me have to stay up all the later just to get my basic work done. But when I try to explain that to people who want to set up an appointment with me or something, I feel as though they must think I'm "just making excuses". It is sooooo huge, though.

  4. Check these out. I had one and they are fantastic!!!

    1. Check out what? Was there supposed to be a link, blue04neon? If so, it didn't show up.

  5. I had one of these and loved them!!!

  6. I am not going to sugar coat this i am going to tell it the way it is.I am not you i dont know how you feel in side and i cant know and those who say thay do know are full of shit and i know there is no real way by words to make you feel better.But here is some food for thaught.People are dieing in syria today ,i and many othes may not eat tommorw or will go homeless.Nambla is on the rise,hateing is getting worse.People are cheeting others more and sealing with out a soul.and taking the food out of other peoples mouths with out cause.other people are talking about others in bad way esp in work feild to make them selfs look better when thay suck as human is your doors and tracktor all that bad. You have your health and your kids and husband and you dont sound like you are starving and even if you are just getting by you have a better life then Jesus went though becuse you can make it better with what you have at least you have a door to fix

    yours turly telling it the way it is

    1. I get your point. We all have our own levels of crap with which we must deal. I come in here and whine sometimes as an outlet, not expecting anyone to read, but appreciating when they do. Thanks for your comments.

    2. Annnnnnd I don't even write the HALF of what's going on in my life. What you see in here is the stuff fit to print.

  7. talk about it that is what we are here for to help each other through the tuff times when other so called people dump on us the world is no place for a God fearing person to live we may not coat it when it comes to posesions but when it comes to other doing shit to us we will be there to help not to give advice to destroy but in Godly love to make it though the tuff times
    yours truly telling it the way it is

  8. i'm not going to tell you that life is full of struggles or that it's just a season... i'm guessing with 7 kids you know all that. all i have to say right now is that i like you and your blog :)

    <3 crystal

    1. That made my day, Crystal. Thanks! And I've always loved the title of your blog. :)


Talk to me - please.